A Hell to Avoid – The Glories of Emotional Abuse

Do not discount yourself. So many people compare themselves to others. They decide they aren’t in hell. ‘Someone else has it worse’. I say stop it. Stop. Yes, some people have it worse than you and some people don’t. That’s normal. But that does not mean you are not both experiencing a form of hell.

If you are in an emotional abusive relationship do not say, ‘at least I’m not being beat every day’. All that does is discount what you are going through.

I promise you, I wished I’d been hit. Just get it over with already! If I’d had a damn bruise I might have moved on sooner… but you see? I did have bruises, I had bruises on my soul. Just because someone doesn’t throw a fist into you does not mean that person is not abusive.

Do not discount the implied violence and the soul wrenching guilt trips. Do not discount how you feel. Emotional abuse is like taking a trip on a crazy roller coaster in pitch black.

You have no idea if around the next curve you will be falling into the abyss or climbing a mountain.

You have no idea from one moment to the next whether you will be loved or hated.

Notice that feeling in your gut, that SPARK of fire burning there? That is your sign of how things truly are. You know the truth. You are worthy of love, kindness, consideration, and absolutely EVERYTHING else you give another.

Such as:

• messing up
• forgetting something
  • garbage
  • mail
  • gassing up the car
• can’t figure out which rules apply?
• always worried about the stupidest things?
  • what you wear
  • how your clothes fit
  • how you present yourself
• never relaxed?
• never seem to be good enough?
• can’t do anything right?

Or worse. You’ve been put on some stupid pedestal. If you make the slightest most minute error you’ve failed?

Yeah. Just because the bruises cannot be seen does not mean it’s not abuse.

So what if they don’t yell at you, yelling isn’t required either. There’s still the looks of displeasure and the cold shoulders or, heaven forbid, the silent treatments.

Emotional abuse is one of the most destructive forms of abuse out there. Rather than destroy the outside of a person the inside is the target. The very being, the core of who you are, is the target. Not only do you have to fight it by yourself, you begin to wonder why you fight. You quit, forgetting why you had any worth at all.

You believe their lies. Their lie there is no one else who could possibly love you. The lie you may need some anger management because you burst into tears and screaming because they’re disappointed again. The lie the only reason for staying is because they feel sorry for you, for there’s no way you would ever survive on your own. Because you are just too stupid.

You can’t even do the checkbook right. Don’t you even know how to add? Seriously? Why would you buy something for you? Why on earth would you get yourself something from the store? Who cares if you like oatmeal or grits when no one else does? Why did you buy that?

Don’t you think you need some rest? You look tired you should go to bed… And then gratefully thank them and go to bed only to be awoken an hour later. You need to put the kids to bed, turn out the lights and lock the doors; because that’s your job and if you don’t do it then it won’t get done.

How dare you get angry when all you have to do is take care of the house and kids! They work for a living, they pay for everything.

You should be grateful… but you look so tired honey, why don’t you go get some rest.

What do you do then? How do you defend yourself from an enemy who is constantly changing? The only thing you can count on is that their mood will be different in a few minutes, maybe better, maybe worse.

Some recognize it as ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to be quiet. No matter what step you take you make noise. There just isn’t any thing you can do. Emotional abuse is like that.

It’s so far deep into the cave that you don’t know how to find your way out again. You are so lost that you begin to try to make the best of the dark and the dirt and the rocks.

You’ve forgotten that there really is air and sky and rain and wind; not just the stale, old musty, mildewy dirt. When you are in the midst of an emotional abusive relationship it’s hard to find your way out.

So, yes, you are living in hell and yes you are in a hell just as bad or worse than others. Everyone’s hell is different but this one is yours. Do not discount yourself, do not make light of the fact you have no bruises. Hell is still hell and there is no comparison.

If I have described your version of hell then forgive me. I find peace in finding words. Words can draw pictures that help others to see.

thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi

ps. I wrote this a long time ago. Recently, I discovered close friends who still didn’t think their hell counted. Yes. Yes it does. Hell is specific to the person; there is NO comparison. Hell is just plain hell.