Vulnerability

As a baby we cannot survive without another. We cry, we rely on our mothers to feed us, comfort us, clean us, hold, and love us. As a species the mother’s hormones are especially changed to enlist our species to promote the survival of the tiny child we birthed.

At first it’s like there’s an alien, then a parasite living inside. We feel off, our bodies get all bent out of shape. Our emotions are all over the place. Then as the child inside grows, it’s as if we can no longer get any bigger. This being residing inside becomes a part of everything we do, eat, think, and plan. We begin to realize, eventually becomes sooner, and we find ourselves suffering, sometimes dying, to bring the infant into the world.

Somehow, though, we don’t mind. AND we’re willing to do it again!

That infant, so small, fragile, and helpless bonds with us in a way that neither mom nor child feels they can survive without the other. This is science.

As the child grows they become stronger, more independent. They are molded by their surroundings. They begin to understand they are not an appendage of their mom. They learn that mom exists even when she cannot be seen.

Mother and child both begin to require more separateness, more time away from each other. Again, science. Sometimes another child is begun, sometimes mom is just too tired. Whatever the reason, the child learns that although mom exists she does not always want the child present.

The child slowly recognizes they also don’t always want mom around.

Independence is good, appropriate to a point, and necessary. Science.

Somewhere in the midst of life, both mom and child grow apart. The bond is sometimes broken poorly, sometimes with care, but always broken.

Unfortunately, many continue to remain independent. Totally independent. They forget how they aren’t required to know everything, do everything, and perform everything alone.

Some arrive at this state of independence through trial and error. They learn it is better to be alone and to be alone means they must be independent.

Independence, while encouraged to a point, can be taken too far. Humans are not meant to be completely alone. We are meant to rely on others. It’s a myth that we rely only on ourselves in the first place, whether we like it or not. We NEED others. Even the smallest thing, clothing, food, heat, the essentials to living, require others.

Independence as a defense mechanism, ironically puts you in more danger.

But this post is about vulnerability, quite the opposite of independence. True, it’s good to grow older, more mature, more able to care for yourself; however, doing so must not interfere with your ability to be with others.

Choosing to be vulnerable may be hard. You risk someone hurting you, abandoning you, challenging you. Yes. BUT, you also risk someone holding you, loving you, partnering up with you, and helping you. You can’t have the good if you aren’t willing to take the chance on the bad.

Truly. More people are good than bad. ‘Bad’ people are usually those who’ve been hurt, stuck in their own creation of a world. Vulnerability is trusting in the goodness of others.

Earlier today I experienced my habit of self-protection, i.e. independence. I have a short stature, to be truthful I am short. In my kitchen there are shelves I cannot reach, many of them. Rather than always pull out the step stool, I’ve learned the bottom shelves are easy to climb. So I frequently climb as I put away the dishes.

Today, however, there was someone with me who is, as expected, taller than I am. They offered to help me put the dishes away. What did I do?

Did I say, sure, thanks?

NO. I went straight to my habit. I said, ‘I can do it.’ And then proceeded to show them what I normally do.

I see this now. The habit I’ve created to protect myself, is to be so independent that I never need another person to help me. Let me tell you, that is NOT going well.

Independence has helped, to a point. I do not rely on another in my house to live my life. Yet, independence like I’ve been pursuing has blocked me from the friendships and life I truly want and need.

Should I have the opportunity again, I will let whomever is able help me put the dishes away. I am giving myself the permission to let go of some of my independence. I know I will be careful as I let different bad habits go. I know it will go well.

Remember:

• it is okay to ask for help
• it is okay if people know your past (everyone has one)
• it is okay if you need a break
• it is okay if you just want to be
• it is okay to take care of you AND it is okay to let another do so as well

We are human beings. When we were just beginning it was death to be kicked out of our tribe. It still can be.

Start looking for your tribe, you’ll never regret it.

thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi