Finding My Way Home

Woke up this morning not quite knowing what the day would bring. It was a beautiful morning, light coming through the window and the promise of rain.

I already knew what was to come; or I thought I did.

I thought, for certain, the things that I had planned would occur.

I was absolutely certain I’d go into town, check on my house, walk the dog…

Sort of.

Instead. I found my way home.

Home: a place where the heart is secure. A place where your head rests. A place where the world make sense, life has a reason, and peace is complete.

I found my way home.

I always thought this would be a specific location; an address in a city, in a state, in a country… No.

Home isn’t a location. It isn’t any WHERE you can be. It’s who.

I found my way home to me through another. I didn’t know what I was looking for. I had no idea I was looking.

Finding my way has been a journey. There’s been cliffs, reversals, mountains, and valleys. Home is simple, real, complete. It’s a wonderful thing.

Are there words to describe the feeling I have inside? Happiness just isn’t enough. Peace? Not enough. Love, honor, excitement, calm, fun, fierceness, power? Not enough. It’s all of these and so much more.

It’s coming home after a long journey. It’s seeing the port after sailing in a storm, the lighthouse in the distance. It’s arriving. It’s finding the rest of me, the missing piece.

It’s new, I have no idea what it is. I like it though. The future excites me. I finally have a place in this world.

I’ve finally come home.

Thank you for reading,

me

Addicted.

What do you feel reading the word, ADDICTED?

Fear? Contempt? Anger? Loathing?

Many things can lead to an addiction:

  • alcohol
  • cocaine
  • Oxycontin
  • caffeine
  • Ritalin
  • Adderall
  • morphine
  • hydromorphone
  • methadone
  • codeine
  • Meth
  • nicotine
  • Heroin
  • Valium
  • Ativan
  • phenobarbitol
  • Ambien
  • Lunesta
  • Vicodin
  • Lyrica

Honestly, the full list is actually very long. The point is there are hundreds of addictive substances, some legal and some not.

Let’s chat.

Addiction, according to Merriam-Webster, is ‘a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence.’1

That’s wordy. Let’s try plain English.

Addiction is anything that cannot be stopped that should be stopped because it hurts you and those who care about you. – me

Is it a disease, a genetic trait, a trained habit, or a chemical imbalance?

Or is it a character flaw?

Here the party generally splits between those who have been affected by addiction, yet do not suffer from one; and those who are addicted.

  1. Those affected but not addicted very often blame the person for the addiction labeling character flaw as the most likely culprit.
  2. The other camp, those who are addicted, tend to find anything except themselves to blame.

Who’s right?

Let me introduce you to dopamine.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter. A neurotransmitter changes how nerves respond. This chemical we produce affects our entire bodies in multiple ways.

Neurotransmitter?

Imagine a game where everyone is holding onto different ropes and all of these ropes are interconnected. So you’re standing, or sitting, or lying there, with a rope in each hand. You may have a few strings tied to each of your toes and fingers too. You are now a nerve cell.

Each string, or rope, has a different thickness and goes to different places. Each to another person similarly attired.

What would happen if someone moved? You might feel it if it was a thick rope but, maybe, not so much from the tiny strands.

What then, if someone kept on moving an arm and kept pulling and pulling? Would you feel it then? Would it be easier to feel?

Nerves are like this. They are interconnected, each ‘talking’ to the others around them.

Imagine now, there’s a fire on one end of the group. How long would it take for the other end of the group to know something was wrong? Pretty quick, I think.

Here we have multiple people pulling multiple ropes all at the same time. This then flows quickly to the opposite end of the group. The signal is strong and the group knows to act and to act quickly.

What controls all this in the brain and body? Neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters are chemicals that flood the different neurons (nerve cells) causing something to happen. A lot of neurotransmitter; a lot of response. A little neurotransmitter; a small response.

If the signal is small, the response will be small.

If the signal is large, the response will be large.

Dopamine is one of these neurotransmitters. Dopamine becomes norepinephrine which then becomes epinephrine. Each is active in its own way and all three are neurotransmitters. Remember, neurotransmitters are the way neurons (nerve cells) communicate with each other.

Dopamine affects:2

  1. pleasure
  2. satisfaction
  3. motivation
  4. memory
  5. mood
  6. sleep
  7. learning
  8. concentration
  9. movement

Norepinephrine affects:3

  1. ‘fight or flight’ response
    • dilates pupils (see better)
    • opens bronchioles (breathe better)
    • increases heart rate
    • increases blood pressure
    • stops digestion
  2. Metabolically
    • increases the breakdown of stored glucose (more available energy)
    • reduces the storing of glucose (more available energy)
  3. Mentally
    • awakens
    • arouses
    • increases sensitivity

Epinephrine affects:45

  1. Everything that norepinephrine does but stronger.
  2. Increases breathing rate
  3. Increases the heart’s strength and ability to pump blood faster
  4. Increases blood flow
  5. Stops histamine being released (reduces the effect of an allergic reaction)

What does all of this have to do with addiction?

Whether by accident, purposeful acquisition, or medically necessary, a person receives a spike of dopamine.

This spike may be from something as common as sex, chocolate cake, caffeine, winning a slot game, having a gin and tonic, or smoking your first cigarette. It might be from taking your first hit of cocaine, ketamine, Kratom, LSD, or MDMA.

The dopamine spike might come innocently enough through an IV at the hospital that finally relieves your pain, or the medication you’re prescribed afterward. It may even come from the daily necessary medications you use to help you get along in the world. Morphine, Oxycontin, Ritalin, Zoloft, and Neurontin all have warnings of potential addiction.

Whatever the instigator, your dopamine spikes and this feels good. This pleasure creates a reward. The reward mechanism given us through evolution creates a perfect storm. The human is rewarded for having, taking, or trying something and, therefore, does it again. From this mechanism we have learned to eat the right berries, procreate, create tribes, build homes, learn math, study the stars… everything we do is either rewarded or punished.

It’s simple, we’re animals, just like Liz in the picture. We want more reward and less punishment. We seek rewards to push our dopamine levels higher. Those becoming addicted continue to seek and seek.

As our bodies are continuously flooded with more dopamine, they attempt to protect us. The body is full of checks and balances. There is a preset level we all have, called homeostasis. This level is what our body is most happy maintaining. If more dopamine is made; more will be broken down. If more dopamine continues to be made; fewer places for it to react on other neurons are made available. If more dopamine continues our body will then work to remove as much as it possibly can as quickly as it possibly can. Our body wants to go back into homeostasis.

In one sense, if you are the nerve cell with the ropes and strings, your body has removed many of the strings and ropes thereby reducing the amount of response dopamine is able to produce.

But something happens. The person using the addictive dopamine-enhancing substance begins to discover the pleasant effects are less frequent and less intense. This can happen very quickly with cocaine.

With the physiological need for dopamine (we do actually need this to maintain life), the now addict must attempt to obtain more. The addiction cycle begins and the benefits continue to be reduced.

Now what? Maybe the person realizes this isn’t working, realizes they don’t like what is happening any more. Maybe they realize the substance just isn’t helping like it used to. Maybe they want to stop.

Great! Wonderful! Stopping is such a great idea. BUT there is a new problem.

Remember, the body has already become accustomed to high levels of dopamine. The body automatically removes dopamine quickly. The engineering the cells had to do to reduce the number of useful receptors for the excessive dopamine and to break down the dopamine quickly and efficiently has a new negative consequence. (It takes a long time to grow back the ropes and strings that have been cut. Sometimes these connections never grow back.)

The addict cannot function without the drug. Going cold turkey feels miserable. Any comparatively tiny amount of dopamine in the body is quickly removed and the addict suffers the consequences.

Too little dopamine leads to:

  1. frustration/anger
  2. discontent
  3. being unmotivated
  4. forgetful
  5. mood swings
  6. insomnia
  7. low retention
  8. inattention
  9. poor movement

While for most addictions the above list is survivable, there are some for which quitting cold turkey will kill you; specifically alcohol. All addictions can kill you as you level up the amount you use for the high you used to get. It may take more to help you feel what you are looking for, but the amount needed to kill you does not change nearly quickly enough. If the substance itself does not kill you, the damage it has done to your body over time undoubtedly will.

No one knows if an addiction will surface without having the substance that leads to it. Anyone can become addicted. It is likely, as well, that all of us are addicted to something in a similar manner.

  1. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction ↩︎
  2. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/dopamine ↩︎
  3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK540977/ ↩︎
  4. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507716/ ↩︎
  5. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK482160/ ↩︎

The Stupidness of Comparison

I was sitting on the toilet reading on my phone. It was early morning. The birds were chirping loudly outside as dawn arrived. Really, not an unusual thing; to sit and read, while shitting. People have read while sitting on the pot since reading and toilets have existed.

Like I was saying, I was reading. The phone provides infinite choices, but today I was reading about someone I know. I found myself smiling, happy for their adventures. I was happy for them but then I realized my own stupidity: being scornful of myself.

What could I possibly have to offer someone who has had such a life already? What more do I provide that would lead them to choosing me?

My history lies in different places. My life feels as if its only just starting. While I have done things: traveled, hiked, sailed, kept bees, raised children, seen volcanoes, played with monkeys and chickens, learned other languages, et cetera. I have done nothing of the such lately.

My most important job is nearly complete; my children are mostly adults now. I have loved being a mother, parent, friend and advocate with them. They have been a part of who has made me today. I really could talk days about the amazingness of motherhood!

Now, though, what can I bring to the table? Anything? What do I have that another may enjoy my presence?

Maybe it’s my child-like wonder of the universe?

Or my love of humanity and nature?

Maybe it’s my ability to find good in the ashes, breathe life into fire, burn love back into people’s hearts?

Is it my apparent innocence; built truly from the heartaches and challenges I have faced in life? My quiet strength? I am one of the least innocent beings on this planet.

Maybe it’s my forgiveness. My willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt, my seeing of a human with needs? I will not judge you for your past for I also have one.

I have not chronicled my life. I cannot provide you a list of dates, pictures, and events. The adventures exist as stories bound to lost photographs instead. The pictures I have must be drawn with my words.

The truth is, I am worth knowing but you must know me well to know my adventures. My life is written in story form. You’ll have to learn to read and to read me to truly know me. My story is not complete.

So, how do I compare? I am not the same person as you; I never shall be. You wouldn’t want me that way anyhow. I am, however, a unique individual with an amazing and sometimes terrifying past. I am passionate as I live life always making the best of any situation. I have flaws, many of them. I make mistakes, often. I am human.

I am authentic. Life sometimes frightens me, sometimes hurts. I will, though, let myself be the raft in the stormy seas and let life direct my path; giving up trying to control everything around me. I am no longer drowning for I’ve finally learned to swim.

Thank you for reading,

Dr Wendi

Vulnerability

As a baby we cannot survive without another. We cry, we rely on our mothers to feed us, comfort us, clean us, hold, and love us. As a species the mother’s hormones are especially changed to enlist our species to promote the survival of the tiny child we birthed.

At first it’s like there’s an alien, then a parasite living inside. We feel off, our bodies get all bent out of shape. Our emotions are all over the place. Then as the child inside grows, it’s as if we can no longer get any bigger. This being residing inside becomes a part of everything we do, eat, think, and plan. We begin to realize, eventually becomes sooner, and we find ourselves suffering, sometimes dying, to bring the infant into the world.

Somehow, though, we don’t mind. AND we’re willing to do it again!

That infant, so small, fragile, and helpless bonds with us in a way that neither mom nor child feels they can survive without the other. This is science.

As the child grows they become stronger, more independent. They are molded by their surroundings. They begin to understand they are not an appendage of their mom. They learn that mom exists even when she cannot be seen.

Mother and child both begin to require more separateness, more time away from each other. Again, science. Sometimes another child is begun, sometimes mom is just too tired. Whatever the reason, the child learns that although mom exists she does not always want the child present.

The child slowly recognizes they also don’t always want mom around.

Independence is good, appropriate to a point, and necessary. Science.

Somewhere in the midst of life, both mom and child grow apart. The bond is sometimes broken poorly, sometimes with care, but always broken.

Unfortunately, many continue to remain independent. Totally independent. They forget how they aren’t required to know everything, do everything, and perform everything alone.

Some arrive at this state of independence through trial and error. They learn it is better to be alone and to be alone means they must be independent.

Independence, while encouraged to a point, can be taken too far. Humans are not meant to be completely alone. We are meant to rely on others. It’s a myth that we rely only on ourselves in the first place, whether we like it or not. We NEED others. Even the smallest thing, clothing, food, heat, the essentials to living, require others.

Independence as a defense mechanism, ironically puts you in more danger.

But this post is about vulnerability, quite the opposite of independence. True, it’s good to grow older, more mature, more able to care for yourself; however, doing so must not interfere with your ability to be with others.

Choosing to be vulnerable may be hard. You risk someone hurting you, abandoning you, challenging you. Yes. BUT, you also risk someone holding you, loving you, partnering up with you, and helping you. You can’t have the good if you aren’t willing to take the chance on the bad.

Truly. More people are good than bad. ‘Bad’ people are usually those who’ve been hurt, stuck in their own creation of a world. Vulnerability is trusting in the goodness of others.

Earlier today I experienced my habit of self-protection, i.e. independence. I have a short stature, to be truthful I am short. In my kitchen there are shelves I cannot reach, many of them. Rather than always pull out the step stool, I’ve learned the bottom shelves are easy to climb. So I frequently climb as I put away the dishes.

Today, however, there was someone with me who is, as expected, taller than I am. They offered to help me put the dishes away. What did I do?

Did I say, sure, thanks?

NO. I went straight to my habit. I said, ‘I can do it.’ And then proceeded to show them what I normally do.

I see this now. The habit I’ve created to protect myself, is to be so independent that I never need another person to help me. Let me tell you, that is NOT going well.

Independence has helped, to a point. I do not rely on another in my house to live my life. Yet, independence like I’ve been pursuing has blocked me from the friendships and life I truly want and need.

Should I have the opportunity again, I will let whomever is able help me put the dishes away. I am giving myself the permission to let go of some of my independence. I know I will be careful as I let different bad habits go. I know it will go well.

Remember:

  • it is okay to ask for help
  • it is okay if people know your past (everyone has one)
  • it is okay if you need a break
  • it is okay if you just want to be
  • it is okay to take care of you AND it is okay to let another do so as well

We are human beings. When we were just beginning it was death to be kicked out of our tribe. It still can be.

Start looking for your tribe, you’ll never regret it.

thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi

Night Thoughts

My mind races with possibilities.

What if:

  • I’m wrong
  • I’m right
  • I’m a sucker
  • I’m stupid

Is it even a possibility to have the future I’ve been yearning? For days? For months? For years? Centuries?

Is there really a future like this?

I’m not the person I was ten years ago, nor 6 months ago, nor even last week; yet I am. I’m more me than ever before. I’ve been discovering me.

The me who chose to be here, to live, dream, learn… I feel like I’m finally coming home.

There’s a different peace found inside, a contentment, a new feeling still to be labeled. It’s mixed with fear and anticipation, joy, satisfaction… a feeling of rightness.

I cannot explain. Why am I here? Is this life to be tolerated, ignored, made to wait?

Or is it meant to be lived?

When I take a leap it’s never without planning and much contemplation. This leap to be made is different from all others. Abandonment of my norm, a willingness to actually trust my deepest core, to let my soul fly free?

Courage to face the unknown with the richness of a life lived well. Words to describe. Truthfully? Am I able? Yes. Am I capable? Yes. Am I willing? Yes.

Fear.

Real tangible fear.

How much longer will I allow fear to rule me? No longer!

I see fear for what it is. Lies. Lies to prevent goodness. Lies to prevent me from living, truly living. Lies to keep me small.

Each moment I listen to my soul, without fail, I am never lead wrong. Every trouble I’ve had, every evil I’ve lived, dampened my ears and closed my mind from my true self. Yet, even then, I could still hear the whispers. I tried desperately to ignore them but they never completely went away. Over time I’ve become better at listening to me, my core. My core speaks and this time I listen.

There is no fear when I trust myself because I will never be lead wrong by the one who knows me like no other, my core and my soul. The mystical part of me that has no definition, that part.

Happiness. Tears. Peace. Rest.

It is right. It is good.

Thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi

A Hell to Avoid – The Glories of Emotional Abuse

Do not discount yourself. So many people compare themselves to others. They decide they aren’t in hell. ‘Someone else has it worse’. I say stop it. Stop. Yes, some people have it worse than you and some people don’t. That’s normal. But that does not mean you are not both experiencing a form of hell.

If you are in an emotional abusive relationship do not say, ‘at least I’m not being beat every day’. All that does is discount what you are going through.

I promise you, I wished I’d been hit. Just get it over with already! If I’d had a damn bruise I might have moved on sooner… but you see? I did have bruises, I had bruises on my soul. Just because someone doesn’t throw a fist into you does not mean that person is not abusive.

Do not discount the implied violence and the soul wrenching guilt trips. Do not discount how you feel. Emotional abuse is like taking a trip on a crazy roller coaster in pitch black.

You have no idea if around the next curve you will be falling into the abyss or climbing a mountain.

You have no idea from one moment to the next whether you will be loved or hated.

Notice that feeling in your gut, that SPARK of fire burning there? That is your sign of how things truly are. You know the truth. You are worthy of love, kindness, consideration, and absolutely EVERYTHING else you give another.

Scared and you can’t figure out why?

Worried about the stupid shit that doesn’t even matter?

Such as:

  • messing up
  • forgetting something
    • garbage
    • mail
    • gassing up the car
  • can’t figure out which rules apply?
  • always worried about the stupidest things?
    • what you wear
    • how your clothes fit
    • how you present yourself
  • never relaxed?
  • never seem to be good enough?
  • can’t do anything right?

Or worse. You’ve been put on some stupid pedestal. If you make the slightest most minute error you’ve failed?

Yeah. Just because the bruises cannot be seen does not mean it’s not abuse.

So what if they don’t yell at you, yelling isn’t required either. There’s still the looks of displeasure and the cold shoulders or, heaven forbid, the silent treatments.

Emotional abuse is one of the most destructive forms of abuse out there. Rather than destroy the outside of a person the inside is the target. The very being, the core of who you are, is the target. Not only do you have to fight it by yourself, you begin to wonder why you fight. You quit, forgetting why you had any worth at all.

You believe their lies. Their lie there is no one else who could possibly love you. The lie you may need some anger management because you burst into tears and screaming because they’re disappointed again. The lie the only reason for staying is because they feel sorry for you, for there’s no way you would ever survive on your own. Because you are just too stupid.

You can’t even do the checkbook right. Don’t you even know how to add? Seriously? Why would you buy something for you? Why on earth would you get yourself something from the store? Who cares if you like oatmeal or grits when no one else does? Why did you buy that?

Don’t you think you need some rest? You look tired you should go to bed… And then gratefully thank them and go to bed only to be awoken an hour later. You need to put the kids to bed, turn out the lights and lock the doors; because that’s your job and if you don’t do it then it won’t get done.

How dare you get angry when all you have to do is take care of the house and kids! They work for a living, they pay for everything.

You should be grateful… but you look so tired honey, why don’t you go get some rest.

What do you do then? How do you defend yourself from an enemy who is constantly changing? The only thing you can count on is that their mood will be different in a few minutes, maybe better, maybe worse.

Some recognize it as ‘walking on eggshells’ trying to be quiet. No matter what step you take you make noise. There just isn’t any thing you can do. Emotional abuse is like that.

It’s so far deep into the cave that you don’t know how to find your way out again. You are so lost that you begin to try to make the best of the dark and the dirt and the rocks.

You’ve forgotten that there really is air and sky and rain and wind; not just the stale, old musty, mildewy dirt. When you are in the midst of an emotional abusive relationship it’s hard to find your way out.

So, yes, you are living in hell and yes you are in a hell just as bad or worse than others. Everyone’s hell is different but this one is yours. Do not discount yourself, do not make light of the fact you have no bruises. Hell is still hell and there is no comparison.

If I have described your version of hell then forgive me. I find peace in finding words. Words can draw pictures that help others to see.

thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi

ps. I wrote this a long time ago. Recently, I discovered close friends who still didn’t think their hell counted. Yes. Yes it does. Hell is specific to the person; there is NO comparison. Hell is just plain hell.

Sirens

In Greek mythology, the sirens enchant and charm any who hear their song; luring those that hear them to their doom.

I used this term to describe myself in jest today. My basic understanding of the term was simply that sirens cause sailors to jump from their boats and die. The sailors do this willingly.

Frankly, I don’t think myself as a siren. I do wonder, though, why many continue to attempt to befriend me.

Is it because I see them? Acknowledge them?

Is it because I enjoy doing many things others like to do but don’t?

Is it because I love to just be myself and quit pretending? Do they see me differently than other people or is it just because I don’t imagine they don’t exist?

I’ve been accused of being a flirt, a cheat, and a slut. By who’s definition do you label me? Yours?

Reminds me of the old adage, ‘it takes one to know one.’ Is it a double standard?

In my opinion, and by my definition, I can be safely accused and convicted of being a flirt. A cheat? No. A slut? Definitely not.

So why the siren today?

Is it because of the flirting that goes nowhere? Am I a tease? There are so many derogatory words for those who do not dote upon one and only one person. Why is this?

Today I used the word hoping to prevent damage; damage control at its finest. You have been forewarned.

I may see life differently than many. Life is short and long, precious and boring. It can be lonely sometimes as well. I treat life as if each moment could hold my last breath, the last skip of my heart, the final closing of my eyes.

When we went to the beach, I yanked off my shoes, rolled up my jeans and immediately started wading into the icy cold seafoam. It was glorious. I was there, at the beach, and ONLY there. Mentally, physically, spiritually in the present moment. I didn’t think of what others were thinking, I didn’t worry that I was ‘being childish’, I didn’t curse the icy waters, I didn’t fret about the storm clouds or the waves trying to catch me.

What you saw, if you were looking my way, was freedom. I allowed any to see the uninjured child hiding inside. I bared my soul to the ocean and sky.

What were you thinking when you saw this? Did you understand? Did you realize how much I have and, just maybe, think you could have it too?

What did you think when I flopped belly down on the dock to look over the side with you? Did you find me odd?

What did you think when I kept asking, ‘what is this called? is this one unique?’. Did you lose respect for me in my curiosity and willingness to be taught? OR did you respect me more knowing I knew the limits of my own knowledge?

Why is it ‘childish’ to remain curious? Is it really? I have an insatiable curiosity, I suck up knowledge like a sponge. If we were all more curious the world would change.

Do you admire me for risking ridicule or facing my demons? OR does that scare you away? It can be both, you know.

I am not the owner; just the messenger. This is why I say I am a siren today. Today, I have lured you to a new reality, something you knew but forgot. I have given you the opportunity to see possibilities, potentialities; to have hope once again.

Be careful taking the bait. The hook is heavily barbed.

To think that you must own me to experience my freedom is misdirection. The joy you seek is not from me, for it’s inside of you. It has and will always be there for you to find.

You may not be able to unsee what you’ve seen. I hope not. The siren in me wants you to take the bait.

I want you to know happiness is possible. Peace, love, a feeling of completeness… it’s all possible.

The possibilities, though, can ONLY be found inside of you. What you saw was what those possibilities can lead to. You saw a momentary loss of my mask, my walls, and my shields. What you saw was a glimpse of me. Can you see yourself instead?

When more people show their true undefiled selves, more people will begin to see a perfectness to the world and will want that for themselves. Allowing yourself to love and be loved helps others find the permission they seek for the same.

Watch me, know me better if you must. The answer, though, is within you. Maybe I am the one who holds the mirror, the one who points you back to yourself. Maybe that is what the siren does.

Is it dangerous? Yes.

Will it hurt? Likely.

Is it worth it? Definitely.

Thank you for reading,

me

No Phone – problem?

I worked Friday, then worked through the weekend, then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. No worries. I did this on purpose. I was excited about going to Ocracoke on Thursday. Why not throw in an extra day or so prior to vacationing?

Wednesday night I received a phone call that my brother was in the hospital. He called me himself. He stated he had DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis). I was concerned. He didn’t sound right. His words were slurring, he was skipping words, and forgetting words. Sometimes what he said didn’t make any sense. I asked to speak with his nurse to ensure they knew that his voice patterns weren’t normal for him. She took me seriously and made certain the doctor would know.

My concerns, although warranted, were exaggerated because on Saturday one of my coworker’s sons had just died from DKA; same age, same diagnosis, same danger. I reminded myself, one person’s misfortune does not make it mine and to allow myself to be comforted with knowing that although a possibility, my brother was where he needed to be and there was nothing I was able to change or ensure for the future.

That was Wednesday night. I texted my sisters and spoke with my dad. They all knew to check on him. Then I went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up happily anticipating gathering the rest of my things and heading to Swan Quarter to catch the ferry. I picked up my phone to check for missed messages.

The phone screen showed a message in multiple languages stating ‘WARNING’. And there was no way to move beyond it. No ability to reset the phone, no ability to turn it off, to change screens, nothing. The only option I had was to contact the company.

The next 45 minutes I attempted to go through tech support and problem solve. Then I gave up. I had a ferry to catch.

BUT:

  • I didn’t know where to catch it
  • how to get there
  • what time it was leaving
  • whether my brother was okay
  • what I was going to do to keep in touch with my family
  • how I was going to contact those I was meeting
  • where I was meeting anyone

Thankfully, I am a Gen X gal. I know how to problem solve.

While home, I used my computer to gather the information I needed and wrote it in my little black book. (My printer does not currently function.)

By the time I arrived at the ferry, my life was changed.

How can a short 1-hour change a person’s life? Truthfully, it takes less than a second.

Several thoughts occurred to me while driving, since I wasn’t able to listen to anything, text, or do anything but think; and occasionally check my hand-written directions.

  • I hope I wrote down the directions right.
  • Turn here, how many miles? Look at the odometer, calculate when I need to look for the next turn.
  • I’m literally in the middle of nowhere.
  • When people settled here it was probably like this but flooded and with more trees.
  • Why is it called Albemarle Historic Highway anyway?
  • Wow! That brick white church must be old!
  • Are there alligators?
  • That waterway looks like the one I brought my boat through. I miss my boat.
  • I’m excited. I’m looking for my boat again. She will be amazing. Minimally, solo-sailable, sloop, 35 feet or so, less than 40. Livable, truly. I will have a better boat than last.
  • Time. What on earth is time? Yes. I have a watch.

What else occurred to me was this: I am so extremely blessed! There is no better time to be forced to disconnect than when you are with friends you love, doing things you love and living the life you love.

To have my phone break at this exact moment was a gift, a gift I never would have known.

I know I will replace my phone, I must. It will again be an attachment to my body as before. I hope, though, that this time I will recognize how interruptive it can be and make strides to reducing that interruption.

I know I will continue to learn, love, and enjoy life to the best of my ability. I deserve to.

The future is unknown, the past is gone, allow the present be the gift it is meant to be.

We are worth it.

Thank you for reading,

Dr. Wendi

Putting things off

As I sit and read during my flight home, I ponder whether I am allowing myself to enjoy the richness of life.

Life is both short and long, depending on the day. We often try to postpone dying or try to think it will never happen. We ignore the fact that our lives are limited, mortal. 

But, if instead, we honor the truth… that life ends. Why do we bother with consuming and rushing when it won’t change the fact?

If death is unavoidable, why do we pretend we can live forever?

  1. I’ll visit tomorrow
  2. I’ll call tomorrow
  3. I’ll rest tomorrow
  4. I’ll sleep when I die
  5. I’ll play when I retire
  6. I’ll pay it back later

Why do we wait?
What are we waiting for?

Tomorrow is not guaranteed, not for me, not for you, and definitely not for those we love.

So, as I sit in the deafening noise and quiet of my plane trip home, I realize the meaning my life has is only as much as I give it.

  • Who do I want to be?
  • Who do I want to be remembered as?
  • Do I want to be remembered at all?
  • How do I want those I love to think of me?

Does it really matter my income? My profession? Or is it more important the positive impact I have on others?

I firmly believe we should plan to live forever. However, we should live as if today brings our last breathe. Why? Because it is true.

 A mere application of standard medical care to centenarians, as rigorously as to younger adults, would probably extend lifespan beyond 122, even without the need of a scientific breakthrough. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8636159/

We are living in an era where our health status determines our life span more than anything else. As science continues to develop and learn, our children could very well live well past 100. We should then prepare to live longer than we ever thought possible.

However, in contrast, I include we should also live as if we will breathe our last breath today. This way we live with fewer (no?) regrets. This way we do the things we want to do while we can. There are still instances when life is cut short prematurely by outside forces.

For example:

  1. another person/thing permanently ends your physical life
  2. a car/train/boat/ or airplane fails because of an unknown reason
  3. an animal/plant/bacteria/ or other living thing affects or infects you and you succumb to it
  4. you do something stupid unintentionally leading to your own demise
  5. you do something intentionally leading to your own demise

Sure, we could die. And as far as history shows, we do.

BUT!

  • What if you live a long time?
  • What dreams would you fulfill?
  • Would you retire as expected?
  • Would you travel the world?

Imagine sitting with your great-great-grand parents and discussing:

  1. the farming of the land
  2. the history of your family
  3. their first job
  4. how to bake the best turkey on a fire
  5. how to pick the best wild herbs
  6. how to sleep and wake with the sun

Now, imagine you. Imagine you meeting your own great-great-grand kids!

  1. what would you say?
  2. what could you teach them?
  3. how could you impact their lives in a positive way?
  4. how could you help your future progeny discover their best futures?

The choice is not entirely out of our control. No matter where you are currently, you can improve. You can make choices to enhance your life and your longevity. You can choose to live to 150 and plan your finances/hobbies/education around that.

Stop thinking you are ‘done’ by 80 or 90 years of age. The more you think of limits, the more the limits come true. INSTEAD, plan to live to 150 or more!

Funny thing is, there are some people who believe it is better to die ‘young’ while they are ‘healthy’. I get it, no one wants to be unhealthy and live past 100. No one wants that kind of suffering. What I am saying is you and especially your children and grandchildren, have the potential to live to an exceedingly (? not really) older age AND remain healthy. You CAN have the best of both worlds.

Live your life on purpose.

Thanks for reading,

Dr. Wendi

Airplane Reflections – Early Mornings

As I sit and look out the airplane window I see the early morning dawn begin to warm up the sky. There’s a peace that’s seen each morning. A newness, a feeling of possibility, of fresh starts…

How often are we swept away by our activities that we never take the opportunity to just be?

This morning, after the hustle and bustle of getting to the plane, just sitting and watching the beautiful lights of the runway and the city refreshes me. I know my day holds in its palm fun and challenge as well as renewed friendship.

I’m traveling to Boston to visit with my best friend. We’ve been friends since 6th grade. I’m not sure how we’ve managed to keep the friendship so long. There’s something special about long term friends.

We don’t talk every day, or even every month. Years have gone by without us seeing each other. However, we still manage to meet up and catch up. Getting together has become more common lately. Once, maybe twice a year now?

Do you have someone like this? Someone who, no matter how long in between, the next time you meet is as if you’ve just taken a breath and continued the same sentence. It’s as if no time passes at all. Sure we change, we grow, we become more skilled, our family dynamics change, sure. We aren’t the same. But it’s like we change together, in the same direction.

She was waiting for me in Boston. We drove down toward the waterfront, found a parking spot, and put on our coats. Why not? We’ll just walk around and figure it out.

As the days go by, we are reunited, reinvigorated, and our friendship is even stronger. It’s difficult to say goodbye, but we know it’s required.

Friendships are one thing humanity needs. While we have those who need alone time more frequently than others, we all ultimately are meant to live our lives amongst others. Having another person you trust to throw ideas against and to help you think clearly improves both of your lives.

I’m a generally outgoing person, I enjoy being around other people. Yet, there are times when I walk along the waterfront and stand alone on purpose. Being alone with my thoughts helps me to recognize who I am. Without alone time, there is no way to hear myself. My body speaks loudly, if I just listen.

Early mornings are special. This is a time of day, if you choose, when you can be alone in the quiet; before waking the kids, before heading to work, before the rest of the busy-ness of the day begins.

Enjoying early mornings, however, requires training yourself to be in bed earlier. Creating this habit can be hard. I have created earlier mornings but not quite where I want it to be yet.

What I have done so far:

  1. Moved my phone to the other side of the room. (This is where my alarm is as well as to prevent me from reading on it in my bed.)
  2. Set an alarm to remind me to get ready for bed an hour before I want to be in bed. (For me this is 9pm.)
    • Bedtime routine for me includes:
      • putting my stuff away
      • washing the dishes in the sink
      • letting the dog out one more time
      • locking the doors
      • dressing for bed
      • brushing my teeth
      • hugging my teen and hopefully getting them to go to bed (Each household is different. In my house, my teen is trustworthy and showing great responsibility.)
  3. Set another alarm to remind me it is NOW bedtime. Get in bed, lights out, and stay there until you fall asleep. (For me this is 10pm.)
    • I say my last good night
    • check to make certain my alarm is set for the morning
    • plug my phone in across the room (forces me to get out of bed to turn it off)
    • get in bed

Did you notice? Almost everything I do in order to get up early is the night before. As you begin to awaken earlier, you will realize going to bed earlier becomes easier. Forcing yourself up the first few mornings will tell your body you must sleep earlier. While training your body to awake early, it is important to avoid naps especially in the afternoons.

You may have to adjust your afternoon/evening routine to exclude coffee, include an earlier dinner, and possibly turning off the TV as well. (We do not own a TV.)

Days that I skip my early quiet feel more rushed and more stressful. I am a better human when I take good care of myself.

Thank you for reading my ramblings,

Dr. Wendi